I took a bit of time away from this blog as I was in the thick of the newborn haze and trying to adjust to new life as a mum and our little family of three. I would be lying if I said I hated the countless nappies, sleepless nights, visitors, snacking on crap, daytime telly and the constant breastfeeding (though I did find this part very, very hard for reasons I will write in a future blog post). It has been everything that my husband and I have hoped for, tried for, cried for…
So, I’m finally a mummy!
After years of exclusion (and I do mean exclusion), I am now in ‘mummy club’ – yay!
I have ben told everything is ‘okay now you finally have the baby you’ve always wanted’. Surely now I can forget all the miscarriages, right? Wrong.
I feel these are common misconceptions. Having our son is undoubtedly the best thing to have happened to us so far, but it does not simply erase all of the losses we experienced – the grief, bereavement, physical pain, the feeling of exclusion and desperation. If anything holding my boy is a reminder of how significant each loss was, each baby I could have (should have) had in my arms.
This, and probably some postnatal hormones brought back an unexpected wave of emotion and an outpouring of tears. I think I had my health visitor worried as she didn’t fully understand why I was not beaming with glee. To be fair, for a few days I was also confused by my emotions too.
You see, having a ‘take home baby’ does not erase my history of recurrent miscarriage. The pain of those repeated losses have changed me and my life forever and cannot simply be forgotten. I was a sassy, confident and independent woman before recurrent miscarriage struck. The past couple of years have been some of my most difficult and sad times. How can I simply forget?
I am determined, however, to move forwards in a positive way. Of course Baby I helps me to do this, to move on from recurrent pregnancy loss, and we are forever grateful to have him here in our lives.
So, whilst I have my gorgeous, gorgeous (yes, I am biased) son in my life, I still feel I have much to say about recurrent miscarriage/pregnancy loss, both as a person who has been through it and as a medical doctor. My blog will therefore continue to have a focus on my personal experiences of RMC/RPL and the lasting effects it has on motherhood. I really also want to use this platform to raise awareness of this subject, both publicly and clinically. Lastly I want this blog to be a space for me to post about life with my beautiful rainbow, encouraging me to seek new adventures and make everlasting memories with hubby and Baby I and to never take any day we have together for granted.
I hope you will hang around and see what the future holds.
Big love! Xx