Early Pregnancy After Miscarriage

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Lets turn back the clock to nearly two-and-a-half years ago to that first positive pregnancy test…

I remember being overjoyed! My husband and I were so excited to start our journey to parenthood. I knew of course that miscarriage was a possibility, but I/we grew in confidence as the early weeks went by without any worrying symptoms. We got further and further into the first trimester and all seemed to be going well. I remember telling a few of my close friends at a wedding even! We were all so happy…

We know that we sadly lost this baby through a missed miscarriage…

It turns out that with the first miscarriage I also lost all ability to ever trust my body to carry any pregnancy from here on. Early pregnancy would become a time of daily (hourly) anxiety, constant need to ‘reassure’ myself that the pregnancy was progressing with the use of serial pregnancy testing or purchasing very expensive digital pregnancy tests. It was a time of perpetual symptom watch. Early pregnancy was also the period that I decided to isolate myself from friends and family, because of sadness and fear, leaving even more time for my neurosis to develop.

We decided to have early pregnancy ‘reassurance’ scans. These were mostly awful.

After a sleepless night for both my husband and I, we would make the dreaded trip to the scanning department. Would there be a heartbeat or not? On a few occasions there was and we were reassured for probably a minute before the usual anxiety of further missed miscarriage would return. Sadly, those anxieties were reality for us on a further two occasions. I will talk about ‘scanxiety’ in a separate post…

Even with this current pregnancy (currently in my third trimester) and despite the fact that we have had a potential cause for the miscarriages now identified, those early ‘reassurance scans’ were still awful. We were in the mindset of always receiving bad news at the end of one of the scans in each pregnancy, so to have come this far with everything looking normal still feels somewhat bizarre.

The time came to start sharing the news of this pregnancy. This time we decided not to tell anyone at all until we had a good scan at around 12 weeks. Firstly, because that’s when ‘normal’ couples share their news, right? Secondly, Christmas was fast approaching and it would become obvious. I wanted to be overjoyed when telling friends and family but I just couldn’t. I was still very scared. We knew that it was likely that we would meet this baby as it had passed a key developmental milestone, but I felt too afraid to fully admit it to myself or anyone else in case I would jinx it…

The problem is once you have had a miscarriage there is continual worry, self doubt and fear that you may not meet your baby. It almost consumes you entirely… There is no going back to that initial naivety that aΒ positive pregnancy test = baby.

It is a tough road from here, but it IS possible to move on. You need to ensure you are kind to yourself and speak about how you are feeling – either with your partner, friends, counsellor or therapist… All of which I did throughout this pregnancy. Certainly talking about my experience has helped me to cope with the losses so far and is the main reason for starting this blog, and I must admit I am finding some catharsis through writing about my experiences. More importantly I hope someone reading this may also feel a little comfort knowing that they are not alone in how they feel and may even be helped in some way by my experiences.

Big love! Xx

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